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Friday, February 24th, 2006
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hey stupids. add my other journal already.
www.livejournal.com/ivehadmyloves
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Monday, September 19th, 2005
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blood poured from the core, raining down painting completion, crush this love dead heart, let the rapture shift to sorrow, betray, deceit, wold in sheep's casting, dreams of yesterday cut deep, bleed me dry, empty, hollow, cold and callous, make me whole once again, you can shut it off, all those feelings, you can put it away, all those memories, driving nails through my heart, with a smile, reality ripped our heaven apart, gutless as we tear it down, sleepless, finding comfort in nothing, knowing who and what we are, and I just talk in circles, empty a feeble skin, aloft these winds of torment, hollow a blackened heart, tear it out, it meant nothing.
this song has more meaning to me than anyone will ever know.
this entire album was written for me.
expect neck tattoos, new livejournal and new beginings for me this winter, h8rz.
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, September 18th, 2005
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What word could I used to describe today? Shitty? Fucking ridiculous?
I went to work on about 4 hours of sleep. Very hungover. I had to work with Laura. Laura likes to talk to people like they are fucking 4 years old and don't understand English. 8 horrendous hours later I make a phone call that went something like this. **Names have been changed to keep any further drama from sprouting from this situation**
me: "HEYYYYY DUDEEEE blah blah blah"
you: "I can't talk right now I'm with **Bob**"
me: "WTF you better talk to me about..."
you: "I can talk to you right now"
me: "..."
CLICK!
Remember that one night when you told me I was your best friend because everyone "fucking hates" you especially (and I remember you namedropping this person) "Bob". You knew I was going to call you when I got off work. You fucking snubbed me because you were with that piece of shit cocksucking maggotbrained asshole who makes you feel bad and you come running to me crying about it.
Remember when I told you you were my fucking family and I'd knock that bitches teeth out, you know, the one who grabbed you by your balls and tore your heart out through your dickhole, because you were sad and felt shitty? I fucking meant every damn word.
I pretty much handed that bitch you fucked last night to you and now that you got your dick wet and your old best friend back, I'm nothing to you.
I'm so fucking pissed that you'd treat me like this and if you want to talk about this like adults you know my goddamn number otherwise have a nice life.
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Saturday, September 17th, 2005
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| Time: | 5:59 pm. |
| Mood: | content. |
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I woke up to a burrito in my face.
I hung out with Brad for a few hours.
Way fun dude.
I pretty much unloaded all my problems on him and he just listened the whole time.
Came home and napped for like ever.
What a cleansing day.
I woke up to a pita in my face.
BOMB.
My dad likes to wake me up with food in my face.
I'm going to get holes in my face soon with casey and caroline and
I think I might shit a brick!
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Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, September 15th, 2005
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Wednesday, September 14th, 2005
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Heather called me drunk and woke me up about 5 minutes after I forced myself to sleep.
Now I'm up and I feel shitty as fuck! My heart is beating at an abnormally fast pace and I still feel sick. I might go to the store and buy some sleeping pills. Remind me to never try and cheat with illegal, black market diet pills containing ephedra again.
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Tuesday, September 13th, 2005
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| Time: | 11:31 pm. |
| Mood: | nauseated. |
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Today I cut a lot of hair. Brad, my Nana, and two of my cousins. I made good money that I really needed. Brad and I might go get burritos(!!!) tomorrow. It's his 22nd birthday so be sure to wish him a happy birthday. He's gonna give me lifting/work out tips.
Today I took two Stacker 3's before I went to the gym around 6:30. My work out buddy Tamara had some. She bought them online and they have ephedra in them. They worked pretty well considering I busted my fucking ass at the gym today. I had a lot more energy and endurance. I also layered a bunch of my clothing. Now the pills are wearing off and I'm not liking the feeling. I feel like I did a bunch of cocaine. I guess ephedra is pretty similar to speed, or as some people have described it, "legal speed". But, it's not legal anymore so whatever. I'm finding that going to the gym has helped me relieve some tension and everything that bothers me comes right out of my pores with my sweat. It feels nice and my mood has slowly gotten better. I'm still not talking to my mother, but the whole situation is not bothering me as much anymore.
I've been pretty good lately. I don't remember the last time I drank alcohol. The last time I smoked a cigarette was Saturday. Haven't touched anything else (besides pot) in who knows how long which is a big step for me. I guess I just can't get into smoking weed regularly like I used to. It bogs me down and makes me feel kind of stupid and I'm really becoming forgetful of things. I won't completely rule it out, I'm just not gonna buy it anymore or smoke as much when offered.
I'm kind of proud of myself for changing, slowly but surely. I'm trying to unwind the last seven years of utter and complete chaos I've put my body and mind through. Normally around this time of the month I'd be really, really depressed because of womanly things, but i'm actually ok.
I feel good. I just wish this shit would wear off already because it makes my heart race and tummy queazy. :[
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| Time: | 8:34 am. |
| Mood: | tired. |
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remedy for a frown:
giggle fests
greens
good talks
I'm gonna go deliver some documents for my aunt in N. Scottsdale and Phoenix.
Someone should hang out with me today.
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Monday, September 12th, 2005
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Today I spent a few hours with my aunt. She told me my Nana said (in Spanish, mind you) "I feel like Samantha has been alone all her life. She could be in a crowded room, and still be by herself. It makes me sad for her."
Wow.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Sunday, September 11th, 2005
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| Time: | 11:57 pm. |
| Mood: | annoyed. |
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begin rant/
The Exorcism of Emily Rose was, in my opinion, a complete joke. As always, Hollywoods glorification of things involving "Christ" and the "Devil" send people running to the movie theater in droves because they want to feel some sort of connnection with the two, like maybe they too have had some sort of inner spiritual brush with good and evil. Or maybe paying $9 will teach them a thing or two on how to be a good God Fearing human, so as to avoid things like possesion and demonic tendancies. I really liked how in one part of the movie they mentioned how the government does not like to interfere or become involved with religious matters, but wasn't that a LARGE part of GWB's campaign that one him his second term in office? It's all about Good Christian values, America! Hate Fags! Love God! War on Terrorism! Take more month long vacations involving cattle hearding and bike rides with Lance Armstrong while HUMANS DIE overseas! Free the Iraqi people! Let African AmericansBLACKS/LOOTERS drown! Fuck your America. Fuck your Gods. I don't even want to live here anymore, just seeing churches and American flags makes me want to puke. If I had enough money, I'd pack whatever I could and and go back to England. If believing in something like that is all fine and marshmallows for you, great. But really, if your God loved you so much, love all of us so much, why would he inflict so much pain upon us? Why would he allow babies to be raped in Africa? Why would he let cancers and diseases infest your/your loved ones bodies until they were catatonic and had to be tube fed? Why would he allow racism and hatred towards fellow humans run rampant around the world? Why would he allow so many to take their own lives because of the sheer fact that living in this world is too unbearable? Incest? Prostitution? Murder? Lying? Cheating? Stealing?
/end rant
Back to real things...
like the fact that I told my Dad I think I am manic depressive, or Bipolar as most people are familiar with that term. I think he told my Mother because suddenly she had monetary donations for me, like money really is going to fix our ever decaying relationship.
I think I pissed some people off today. Lately I'm finding that I cannot keep my emotions and thoughts to myself, good and bad.
Sobriety has turned me against the world, and I'm starting to realize it's always been against me.
I feel like I sound like Donald Lee Mauldin.
Maybe I'm just going crazy.
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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| Time: | 1:04 am. |
| Mood: | tired. |
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Tonight I met a lot of interesting people.
Robert Smith, a cute dude and SATAAAAAAAAN!!!!!!!!11111
Tonight was just what I needed. Metal and chain smoking.
I think I really am going to quit smoking. The cigarettes I had tasted like burned asshole.
& I ditched work. F Namebrand Exchange.
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Friday, September 9th, 2005
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I have a feeling the gym and I are going to have a wonderful relationship.
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Thursday, September 8th, 2005
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| Time: | 11:14 pm. |
| Mood: | tired. |
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I love going to Munsys crib because he always has goooooooood food to grub on. Today we ate hummus and pita bread, and cucumbers marinated in what seemed like olive oil and basil and other "greek" inspired spices and herbs.
I'm going to the gym now.
I have a work out buddy and so I think project "Erase El-Bees" is gonna go well.
I REALLY AM going into hiding and when I emerge you'll all be shocked!
I have a lot to do tomorrow.
Get up, try and find second job, go to my current job, work out, eat sushi and maybe go to the movies.
Life is good, right now. I am getting happier.
I just really need a second job :
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I fell in love with a dude at the mall. Neck tatties, long dark black hair, tall, beautiful as fuuuuuuuuuck. I'll probably never see him again.
The Arizona Mills mall patrons did not take a liking to my s-murder shirt.
Goodnight.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, September 7th, 2005
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| Time: | 2:18 am. |
| Mood: | awesome at life. |
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Today I went looking at salons around Snotsdale. The only one I really, really loved was Vidal Sassoon. I hope a position opens up there. They have continuing education, paid training across the world, great atmosphere, great salon, great people. ::siiiiiigh::
I'm also looking into working at Mood Swings. The salon Manager is supposed to call me back soon.
I went to Michaels and walked out with about $40 worth of iron on letters for freezieeee. PWNED!
I made a shirt and hoodie. Obviously everything looks crooked because of how I held my arms for the pictures. Be jealous!
 
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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